I hope this makes you laugh, but I also hopes it helps you in case you didn't know one of them. (I've "been there" on at least half of them!):
1. You are going to have to wait. This isn't an oil change; it's your body. If your problem isn't worth waiting two little hours of your life to figure out, don't make the appointment.
2. I know you are the doctor's best friend, and you go boating every third Saturday. You are still going to have to wait.
3. I know you met the doctor at the grocery store, and he said his office would get you in tomorrow. He doesn't know his schedule; the schedulers do. Sorry to say it, but he probably said that to get you off his back. Doctors get hounded, you realize. You can have his next available. It might be tomorrow; it might be in two months.
4. The appointment you've been given is the first available. I know it might be a month out, but no one is withholding some precious earlier appointment from you. If you get mad and cancel that appointment, expect a later one when you call back, and remember that you did this to yourself. No one punishes "Medicaid" patients; likewise, no one caters to "BSBS State with two supplements" patients.
5. Don't be offended if the front desk or phone staff ask your date of birth and last four of your SSN before your name. This is to save you time. With the growing number of patients, there is more than likely two of you out there. Trust me, this comes from a "Jessica Stephens" who is now a "Jessica Jones." (Also, "01/01/78" is easier to "spell" than "Amy," "Amie," "Aimie," "Aemy,". . . you get it.)
6. Come 10-15 minutes early. You will probably have paperwork to fill out and the front desk needs to scan your insurance card(s) and driver's license. Even if you have filled out the paperwork online and bring it with you, the front desk still needs time to scan it in and record it properly.
7. You will have paperwork to fill out. Doctors especially need paperwork if you are a new patient, have a new problem, or haven't been to see him/her in over a year. Even if you have been seen there for years, if any of the aforementioned criteria fits you, you will have to fill out paperwork. Some offices make you fill out paperwork for every visit. Don't be annoyed at this. Too many people move addresses or change their phone numbers without telling anyone, sabotaging the only ways by which they can be reached for an appointment.
8. If you hate waiting, get your butt out of bed for the 8:30 appointment or ask for the first appointment after lunch (usually 1:30 or 2:00). These are the two times of the day that the doctor is most likely caught up.
9. A doctor's appointment is not a hair appointment. You can't just schedule it at your convenience. You will probably have to ask time off work or get out of class. A lot of doctors are not in their offices every day because they work at other practices or hospitals during the week. They aren't just out playing golf; neither are they willing to stay after hours to see random patients.
10. For college students only: You will have to get out of class. Maybe don't play hooky so much so you can use your skips for something important. This is real life.
11. For parents of school-age children only: You will have to get your student out of class to go to the doctor. Maybe don't let them play hooky so much. Teach them about real life.
12. Look at your calendar before you call for an appointment.
13. Make sure you have a pen and paper handy before you call for an appointment.
14. Don't assume that the last person you talked to on the phone at "this number" is the same one you are talking to now. If someone left you a message, write down or remember his/her name. Even then, you will need to give a little information so you can be directed to the right place.
15. The front desk, phone staff, nor anyone on the administrative side of the building has formal medical training nor can he/she give medical advice. However, treating him/her like an idiot isn't going to get you very far.
16. If you are not sure if a practice is covered by your insurance or if you need a referral, call the number on the back of your insurance card rather than the doctor's office. The doctor's office may know, but the insurance company will know. . .better.
17. Specialists are not Emergency Rooms and do not accept walk-ins. If you have an emergency, you need to go to the ER. I know it's annoying, but the ER will see you in several hours while the specialists may not be able to see you for several weeks--unless you have a referral from the ER with a severe enough problem that the specialists can work you in. Even family doctors cannot guarantee an appointment the same day--although, their offices are more likely to work you in if you call first thing in the morning.
18. Even if your insurance doesn't need a referral to a specialist, if you have had any XRAYS, MRIs, Catscans, injections, or have seen another doctor about this problem you are having, you can't make an appointment with a specialist until those records have been sent to the specialist. This is actually a two-fold reason in your favor: (1) it saves you time and money from the specialist doing the same procedure that didn't originally work, and (2) your health insurance is more likely to cover the specialist since everyone involved is "in the know." (Read: Your health insurance likes to avoid paying. Don't give them further incentive to withhold by your being sneaky and trying to skirt the referral.)
19. Getting a referral is actually the patient's responsibility. I know it seems like all doctors are friends and talk about you all day to each other, but Doctor A doesn't know you want to see Doctor B until you physically tell them both. In some cases, Doctor A's staff will do your referral themselves, but only if it's Doctor A's wish and only if they are exceptionally nice and not busy. If Doctor B hasn't called you in the next couple of days, however, you need to follow up with both offices, because chances are, the fax didn't go through. Furthermore, there is no way Doctor B even knows who you are until this fax goes through. Futher-furthermore, Doctor B may not even know that Doctor A exists!
20. I know faxes are olden-timey and frustrating like an abacus or slide-rule, but a lot of offices still use them. Sorry. At least a lot of offices are paperless now. One step at a time.
21. If you call Thursday afternoon as an ER work-in, you are probably not going to be seen until the next week. I know the ER doctor said you need to be seen in 1-2 days, but realize a few things: A lot of doctor's offices--especially private practices--close by 1:00 p.m. on Friday. Most of the work-in slots for Friday will be full because of all the ER work-ins earlier that week. No doctor's office that I know is open on the weekend, so there goes Saturday and Sunday. Monday is going to be full of severe ER work-ins from Friday and the weekend. If your arm is broken, it's serious, but if someone else's leg has been severed. . .that's a little more serious. If you get a Tuesday appointment, you'll be fine.
22. I know the pain is "excruciating," but realize two things: (1) An earlier doctor visit isn't going to "magic" away the pain. (2) Take the pain meds the family doctor gave you. I'm surprised how many people complain of pain, but haven't taken their meds.
23. Don't be scared of Lortab or Oxycodone. I know they are bad words because of pain med abusers lately, but if your doctor prescribes them, take them--especially if you have had a surgery. Under normal circumstances, you should NEVER take those drugs, but after surgery or a fractured limb, your body is actually going to use those drugs to help you sleep so you can heal. The real key to healing is sleep. Don't try driving or shopping or housework. Just go to bed. This doesn't mean you will get hooked on these drugs. You don't have to take all of them. Wean yourself off them as soon as you can. If you don't know how, ask your nurse. Also, a work release isn't a free vacation. Sleep!!!
24. Just because your pain meds made you vomit, doesn't mean you should call your doctor. I know he said to call him if vomiting occurs, and I could strangle him for saying that. . .Let me interpret: The doctor means if you are vomiting for days and days. Several hours or even a day of vomiting is normal. Again, go to bed. I wish doctors would just tell you to go to bed instead of "take this pill every 6 hours." It's very misleading and makes you think you can do whatever you want as long as you take your pills.
25. If you call at 4:59 p.m. before a weekend or holiday to get a refill on your meds,. . .Don't do that. It's stupid and annoying and you're an adult now. Your medicine has a date on it. Call at least a few days before that date. I realize sometimes life gets in the way of remembering things, but this is your health (how ironic)! Another thing you can try is to call your pharmacy and see if they will cut you a few days' pills till you can reach your doctor.
26. If you are addicted to Lortab, stop it. You're ruining everyone's life.
27. If you have had a skin graft, don't be alarmed at the gross deathly looking white shreds of skin hanging under the dressing. Doctors NEVER tell you this--and it is very traumatizing when it happens--but it's normal.
28. A lot of people vomit after anesthesia. Again, I don't know why doctors don't tell you this, but if you've been put under, expect to vomit--even if you take ani-vomit meds. Believe me, it's better out than in!
29. Sometimes you have to ask when your appointment is over. I guess doctors think they don't have to repeat themselves 25 times a day by saying, "We're done here. Please go out this door, turn left, and check out at the first window." Instead, they often say something confusing like, "Hang in there!" or "Well, we're ok!" and leave the room and you have no idea if you are supposed to hang around or not. Just ask someone. A little hint: If he's given you a paper, you're probably done.
30. Yelling never gets you anywhere. Okay, so honestly. . .maybe it gets you in faster sometimes, but is it worth your self-respect?
Okay, that's all I can think of for now.
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