REWATCH SUPERMAN and Nine Other Unusual Pandemic Suggestions

Everyone and their mother seems to be writing all their survival tips for the CoVID-19 outbreak, so. . .I thought I would give some that maybe you haven’t heard. In other words, if you need to hear, “Wash your hands and don’t touch your face!” again, then. . .Please, do read that. . .But from a different blog. This one isn’t that.

Please note that I am not a politician, health care professional, or scientist. These are all my own opinions.

THE FACTS

Be sure to visit www.cdc.gov for expert updates and information on all things CoVid-19.
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MY THOUGHTS

1. Rewatch “Superman.” “Which one?” you ask? “The only one,” I answer. 1978 “Superman: The Movie” starring Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder. My self-righteous nostalgia aside, I recommend it primarily because not only does it fly (pun intended) right in the face of the overblown cynicism pervading our current educational systems, news outlets, social media, entertainment, and culture; not only does it make you feel good about being alive; not only are the soundtrack themes and archetypal tropes inspirational and aspirational; but also the whole thing just overwhelms you with a bold sense of hope. Hope is always on the way. Hope is the default. Plus, it’s just a really fun movie with ground-breaking special effects—back before CGI turned superhero movies into dime-a-dozen, dark, obnoxious video games. And you don’t have to be a sci-fi fantasy nerd to “get” it. It’s a great movie to sit and watch by yourself, with friends, or your family. It’s just a really really great movie. And it’s really relevant right now in a way that the newer Superman movies seriously aren’t. Maybe people today are entertained by Henry Cavill or Brandon Routh. But everyone wanted to be Christopher Reeve in the 80s. Rewatch this movie to remember why.

True, flying and x-ray vision are ridiculous and impossible. That’s not the point. The point is that we all have power within ourselves to help those around us and make a difference in others’ lives. As Superman says at the end of the movie, “We’re all part of the same team!” Is that naive? Is it ignorant? Or is it exactly what we need? Superman caused literally zero of the problems that he fixed; yet in one instant duty called—and a split second later, he was mission-bound in the air! Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or pointing jaded fingers at Catch 22 decisions is never the answer. This epidemic is not easily figured out. Instead, focus on being a Superman to someone else. You have that power. For some reason we have come to think of the “Overgrown Boy Scout” ideal of the 1940s and 50s as lame and passé. It’s not. There is nothing cooler than being the one to put your desires aside and help—not boss around, not self-righteously nitpick, not repeat clever slogans, not garner a fresh social media following, but actually help—in a crisis. Nothing cooler than that.

2. Learn something. Of course this is a great time to catch up on reading and even to take an online course in something that interests you. But what I’m really referring to is asking yourself: What can I learn from this quarantine? Only a fool comes away from crisis as a lesser, defeated human being. Even if it’s something simple like learning to spend less on eating out or not shelling out hundreds of dollars a month on your hair and nails. This is part of the reason I like experiences like camping. I get too coddled and high-maintenance when my life is business-as-usual. After camping a few times, I’ve learned to wear less makeup, for instance. Think of this experience like camping, if you have to. What have you been doing in your life that has been unnecessary and weighing you down? Now is the time to learn how to get rid of it and focus on something better. Time for a G.K. Chesterton quotation!

“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.
In inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.”

3. Go outside more. Not to public places, of course. I mean, the outdoors. If you know me, you know that I am an indoor-junkie. But—divulging one life lesson from the past two weeks—I have learned that I really need to go outside more. The sun and I are not usually on speaking terms, due to my serious lack of melanin; however, desperate times call for desperate measures! Sunlight elevates emotional state and vitamin D helps absorb other vitamins (which you should be taking daily). There is so much research on why the outdoors is good for you, that I’m not going to waste time boring you with all of them. Just do it! If I can spurn my vampire-like tendencies, you can go outside too.

Furthermore, if your kids are getting on your nerves, send them outside! The outdoors is a new alien territory to them, I realize, but kids are actually made to go outside. Playing in the dirt and being in the sun is really good for their bodies for a variety of reasons. Make sure that you and they wear some kind of SPF, though. Skin cancer is a thing.

4. Do cardio, but save the fad diets for later. We all wish we could lose a few pounds. I get it. Right now, I’m trying to work off 15lbs myself. However, your body needs fat to fight infection. Unless you are morbidly obese (which can put you into the “high risk” category for this virus), skip the fat-loss diets for the moment. Ketosis may not be your friend right now. Also, opt for cardio workouts as opposed to yoga or Pilates. Of course, be mindful of your age and health concerns before doing exercise. But remember that a healthy heart, strong muscles, and clear lungs are your best assets right now. Take care of yourself. You’re not any good to yourself or others if you are sedentary in your social distancing. Personally, I hate sweating and I loathe running. However, I have recently added short bursts of running into my daily cardio routine. I increase these bursts more and more each day. I like to visualize Young Clark Kent outrunning the train for motivation. It’s like being a kid again. It’s fun!

Plus, the more you run past the windows of fellow quarantine-ers, the more you motivate them to follow suit. Ironically, this is exponentially more motivational the less athletic you were to begin with! When Michael Phelps runs past your window, you tend to write it off. But. . .I ask you: Is there anything more motivational in a pandemic than seeing someone who is clearly out of breath, pushing herself up that hill for the fourteenth day in a row?

5. Tithe. Money is tight right now. However, if you are a Christian and usually tithe, keep tithing. If you are a Christian and rarely tithe, start tithing regularly. If you are a Christian and have never tithed, I bet you are terrible with money and never seem to have enough: This is because you don’t tithe. It is a fact that we live in a cursed world (i.e. CoVID-19). This includes your money. However, God says that you can protect your money from this curse if you give him the “first fruits.” (Read: First—not last—ten percent of your paycheck.) Malachi 3:8-12 explicitly explains that not only do you lift the curse by tithing, but also that you can actually test God with this. When does God ever say it’s okay to test Him? Like...never. Except for tithing! I am here to tell you that once I started tithing, my finances and overall well-being have significantly improved. Is everything perfect all the time? No. But my life is better because of tithing. Part of the reason our nation has thrived is because there are people inside it that give to churches and charities regularly. Now is not the time to feel greedily victimized and faithlessly hoarding of finances. If you give regularly to your church and or charities, keep doing it. If you haven’t yet—no time like the present.

If you are not a Christian, become a Christian and tithe.

6. Take collagen. All this hand-washing can strip your hands of natural oils. While lotion may seem like the obvious antidote, it can also trap bacteria and viruses onto your skin. If you take collagen, though, you can moisturize your skin from the inside out. Some people like to use collagen powder, but I hate the taste. I take it in pill form. Take the recommended amount, or you are wasting your time. The really good ones require you to take three or four pills per daily serving. That may seem like too many pills, but you gotta think, this is not only for your face and hands, but it’s also for your whole body. I’ve taken collagen for a few years now, and my skin always feels like it has lotion on it. It takes about a month of daily doses before you see results.

I’m not going to recommend a brand, because most of the time I buy the most inexpensive version with the best reviews, and the prices fluctuate from month to month. I’m assuming that if you can read this post, you know how to do a simple Google search and buy things on Amazon. Also, I’ve learned that my body builds up a tolerance to brand loyalty. I get better results by changing brands periodically.

7. Save the essential oils for later. They may be microbial. They may help calm simple respiratory symptoms. They aren’t going to keep you from contracting a highly contagious virus. Don’t count on them as your one-stop-shop for health. If you are showing tell-tale CoVID-19 symptoms, call the doctor.

8. If you’ve lost your job, look for pandemic work. Some people are being furloughed from their jobs right now. Some are even being laid off as companies go into self-preservation mode. If you find yourself having to take a pay cut, or without pay entirely, start Googling pandemic job opportunities and/or work-at-home jobs. Grocery stores are hiring shelf stockers right now. Online businesses need delivery people. Hospitals need emergency helpers. This won’t be forever, but it will help you pay the bills and buy necessities. You can also be a Superman helping society in a time of great need.

9. Don’t depend on the government. For that matter, don’t depend on anyone except God and yourself. Now is not the time to go looking for and counting on handouts. I know the government is working on a stimulus right now. Don’t count on it. What if something happens at the last second, and you don’t get it? What if you get it and five minutes later it gets stolen? What if it ends up being grossly under what you were expecting? You need to learn to live within your means—especially right now.

10. Fast and pray. While not everyone should fast right now because of health reasons, if you are able, consider fasting. (It saves money on food for one thing!) But also, it shows God and yourself that you are serious about your prayers. Any time I have fasted and prayed, I have had amazing outcomes in my life. It’s not easy, and that’s the main reason why you should do it. Life isn’t easy, and especially not right now. And, frankly, I think pursuing ease in a time of total uncertainty is a fool’s errand. Up till five seconds ago, we lived in the easiest, wealthiest, freest society that had ever graced the planet, and it yet existed simultaneously with a prevailing zeitgeist riddled with entitlement and discord! It seems to me that only when life is rough do we learn our greatest lessons and achieve our greatest breakthroughs. Besides, is anyone ever happy in a martyr syndrome? Are you willing to let go of some of your convenience and comfort and learn something truly amazing about God and yourself? Only people who have fasted and prayed before can begin to grasp what that means. And you are free to venture into this “other side” at any point. And you are free to return to it and venture deeper each time. All you have to do is put down the fork for a second and pick up a Bible.

Your own personal Fortress of Solitude, as it were.

The End

How to Online Date Successfully (and Find a Decent Human Being)

So. . .A few years ago, a person might have met his/her spouse on a blind date. Back in the olden days, human beings would go to barn dances or church socials to find "The One." Farther back still, a person might wake up one morning to the news that Mom and Dad had arranged "The One." While all of these methods are still used, we now have yet another method added to the mix: Online Dating.

Since civilization has reached the "Information Age," you might naturally see how online dating would be inevitable, and arguably almost expected. If you can get even your groceries over the internet, why not your life partner? However, there is still a dark stigma attached to internet dating, and this is because the majority of online daters use this commodity for less than respectable reasons. As a result, nay-sayers still think that you have to be trashy or desperate to make an online dating profile, and that is because MOST of the people who make them ARE trashy and/or desperate. Let me rephrase: People aren't trashy or desperate. Rather, they have made the choice to be trashy or desperate. They could actually be upstanding, joy-filled, responsible contributors to society if they wanted to.

Be that as it may, I actually met my husband, Billy, using online dating. It's funny now, when I look back on it, because neither of us was interested in a "booty call," but yet we met online. We have an awesome marriage, and I love this man more and more every day.

There are tricks to successful online dating and I will share mine with you. You will need to be patient, though. These tricks are going to require patience, wisdom, and responsibility. The payoff is awesome, though.

Before I begin, I will give you a brief history as to why I even got online to date. I had just come home from three years teaching in South Korea. I moved in with my sister and brother-in-law. I was 30 years old and never married. I am a very private and guarded person. I had only ever dated two guys very seriously--one in high school, one in college. I casually dated another guy for less than a year right after college. This last relationship had ended eight years prior to my meeting my now husband. I was pretty sure I was going to be single forever. People would always tell me that I was too picky and that I was too guarded. However, something in the back of my head (God) kept assuring me that my finickiness was actually an awareness that I wasn't going to sell out just for the purpose of being married.

So, there I was fresh off the boat--no job, no boy friend, no car, no nothing. This guy I'd known in college was coming to my sister's town for the week, and he asked me out on a date just to see how things would go between the two of us. Anyways, long story short, the date was awful. Nothing against this guy, but the date itself was truly terrible. I felt like I was in middle school, and here I was thirty years old! I came back home to find my sister waiting by the door (like a mom) for any and all information, hopeful that her big sister was going to come home with a glorious account of the date's success.

So when that didn't happen, she immediately started telling me that I was going to die an old maid and that I never make any effort. Then she started making a list of all the single guys she knew (who were all in their lower 20s, by the way. No thank you!). When I bucked against this, she kept on about how I was the pickiest person she'd ever known, and that I just didn't want to be happy, and that's why I do things like move out of the country for years and years. Anyways, long story short again, I told her, "Listen, I don't have a car. I don't have a job. I don't really have any way of meeting anyone. Will you shut up if I do online dating?" I knew that online dating was kinda sketchy, but I actually also knew of two or three of my friends who'd had great success with finding good guys and were now in blissful marriages.

Now comes the part where I share my tricks.

1. Spend the money.

I actually signed up for Match.com first because they had this promotion where you could use all the features they had for a week or something, without paying. I'm cheap, so I started there. I really only messaged one guy (who didn't seem to be a rapist). After a couple messages, he asked me for my phone number, but I wasn't about to give that out to a 40-something with two teenagers and a jet ski. Bleah. After the week was over, I had no way of checking my inbox or making connections with anyone without paying. For some reason (which I now know was God), I didn't give up. I Googled "cheapest online dating sites" and Christianmingle.com came up. It was only $17 something for a month compared to about $30 everywhere else. So. . .I didn't spend a whole lot of money (remember I had no job), but if you are going to online date seriously, you are going to have to spend money because you can't actually interact with anyone without paying.

2. Core beliefs come first.

Somewhere near the top of your profile, you need to state what your core beliefs are. I put something like, "I believe God and the Bible." If and when you start messaging someone, bring up your faith FIRST!!!! I can't tell you how many girls I will ask, "Have you talked about God yet?" and they respond, "Well. . .It hasn't really come up yet." RED FLAG. Not just for the guy you are dating. This is a red flag for you, personally. If you can't be forthright about your relationship with God, now is NOT the time for you to start dating. Period. This is how the enemy works: He convinces you that you can't bring God up until the time is right. . .Then he makes it impossible for the subject ever to come up. Then if and when it does come up, your boyfriend makes fun of you or at least doesn't take it seriously, and you wonder why. Obviously, you have already shown your boyfriend that God isn't actually that important to you. Why?. . .Because if He were that important, He would have been the first thing you mentioned!!

You don't need to have some kind of cosmic "right time" to bring up your faith. Your relationship to God should be the first thing in your life. If you can't bring Him up first thing, then He isn't first in your life. Plain and simple. This isn't me being pious and goody-two-shoes. This is giving you a much easier path to walk later if you do the work to put first things first.

I mean, it isn't like this person is just some acquaintance you are meeting for the first time. This guy is a POTENTIAL MATE. Secular studies show that marriages last longer and are more joy-filled when couples share core beliefs. Anything else ends in divorce, heart-ache, deception, and is just a plain waste of time. You aren't an exception.

3. Be BRUTALLY honest

Do NOT think of your profile page as putting your best face forward. This may sound counter-intuitive to everything you've heard about internet dating, but listen. . .save the "selling yourself" for when you make a resume. This isn't the time to candy coat. This is potentially the step that will help you to meet the best friend of your life. Think about it. Do you like to get to know a person only to find out that they were really something else later? No. So, don't put yourself out there like that. If you have one leg, put that you have one leg! If you have fifteen cats that you can't part with, put that! You don't have to divulge your deepest darkest secrets on your profile (save that for later), but think of your page as: "This is me. Take it or leave it." Too many girls see their profile page as, "I want as many guys as possible to tell me I'm pretty." If that's you, change. Change right now.

This goes for your profile and for your interactive messages. I found that it really helps here if you are MORE than honest. For instance, in my Match.com days, I made a profile that I felt accurately represented who I was. I put my interests and my goals. However, I kept getting messages from guys who were obviously (per their pictures and interests) into sports and athletic things. That really bothered me because I have never really cared about sports at all. When I made my Christianmingle.com profile I put in big letters at the top of my interests list, "I HATE SPORTS!" I don't hate them, but I just know that if a guy is really into sports, we are not going to have much to talk about, and he is going to annoy the ever-living life out of me. I know this about myself. I also knew that any sports fan would swipe left on my profile after reading the first line, therefore giving me less crap to shuffle through.

4. Be honest, but also be wise.

Okay, so here comes the part where I sort of back peddle from point 3. Yes, you need to be blatant and brutal when it comes to being honest, but you should also be wise. Therefore, I would advise not adding things to your profile that might trigger those guys who are at best looking for a hook up, and at worst looking to rape you. Things that are relatively tame, but can get you into trouble include, but are not limited to: Pokemon, Cosplay, Anime, multiple piercings, Manga, Gaming, horror movies, comic books, Disney movies, tattoos, Fantasy movies/books, etc.. Again, these things are not necessarily bad things, but for some reason, they attract adolescent males in their 20s to 40s who live with their moms. Point is, you want a man, not a boy. This is where it's hard, because stupid girls know they can get instant attention when they post these sorts of things.

If you need attention that much, you need to get right with God.

Listen, I have my belly button pierced, a hole through the middle of my left ear, and an ear cuff piercing. I like Tolkien, horror movies, and enjoy an occasional Japanese cartoon. My point is, I didn't put those things on my profile. (I did talk about them later; however, once Billy and I started talking and once I knew he wasn't creepy.)

Another point here: If you are SERIOUSLY into those above things (the list is obviously not exhaustive) enough to put them on your profile, then you better REALLY like them, because guys who are attracted to those things ONLY do those things (and sometimes worse things), and that's all the two of you will ever do together as a couple. In other words, if you actually enjoy shopping, traveling, concerts, hiking, tail gating, site-seeing, etc., you can kiss doing your favorite activities with your significant other goodbye. Maybe you can do them with some other friend, but. . .if this person is supposed to be your BEST friend, do you see the problem?

5. Be picky

The really nice thing about internet dating is that you can actually be a lot pickier than in "real life." In real life, you get set up on a date, or you meet someone and decide to go out for dinner. Then, you have to spend the whole first date trying to figure out if you even like what is sitting across the table from you, let alone all the other stuff about interests and core beliefs.

Online dating at least lets you weed out the guys that you wouldn't ever consider. This sounds mean, but it's not. It saves you time! It's a really valuable tool! Use it accordingly. For instance, I am 5'4" but I have never been able to successfully date short men. I bring out the worst in them, actually. My ideal height has always been 6'2", but I knew that as long as the guy was over 6', I could probably get along with him. Therefore, I put a height range of 6' to 6'5" into my profile. Billy is 6'2". We get along great.

Most sites will let you tick these preferences off when you join. If they don't, don't join them. If you can only look at blue eyes, then make sure you choose blue eyes. If you have never gotten along with blondes, then makes sure you pick brown hair. Be picky. You might think these things don't matter right now, but if they have ever mattered to you for any reason, make sure you pick them. You aren't being shallow. You are saving everyone heartache and time.

6. NO DUCK FACES!!!

When you post your picture onto your profile, pick a normal looking, pretty picture. So much is communicated in this picture, don't screw it up. Not too much makeup. Not wearing just lace. Not holding an alcoholic beverage. Not making any kind of nympho-baby-sexy-erotic-childish-please-rape-me-right-now face. When I see girls do this, I just want to smack them. You are the problem with society. You are so attention-craving that you sacrifice your self-respect. You send out these provocative vibes, you get into these terrible relationships with self-absorbed men, and then you wonder why you wake up forty, abandoned, and bitter. At best you will attract a selfish prick. At worst, you will attract a pedophile. And you will have done it all to yourself. And you will wonder why no one seems to care. And you will wonder why you have never been truly happy.

7. Did he even read your profile?

Whenever you make your profile, you will eventually start getting messages sent to you in your inbox. This is where you really need to be careful. Most of those messages are going to be booty calls. They just will. It's funny to me, actually, because as I told you, I was on Christianmingle.com. You'd think all the guys on that site would be upstanding Christian men, but they aren't. I would say 80% of my messages were booty calls pretending to be Christian. They were like, "Hello there. I can see that you are a good Christian girl. I was wondering if you would like to meet somewhere so we could get to know each other." Yeah. . .obviously not buying that. If something looks sketchy, skip it!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE!

At the time I met Billy, I was messaging only two other guys who also didn't seem like creeps. What set them all apart was that they actually mentioned stuff about me that I had put on my profile. Especially Billy. His message was something like:

"Hi. I see that you have lived in South Korea and have been to several other countries. That's awesome. I really enjoy traveling myself and have been on several mission trips to Thailand. I also saw that you love Royal Tennenbaums. I love Wes Anderson movies. My favorite one is Darjeeling Limited. Well, have a good day. ~Billy."

That message spoke volumes to me because (1) It wasn't creepy, (2) It gave me some of his own personal information that I actually found interesting, (3) There was no wording about meeting or even asking for my phone number. That showed respect for me and self-respect for himself, (4) Plus,. . .I love Darjeeling Limited. . .

Incidentally, one of the other guys I had been talking to was actually a really great Christian and all, but he was King James only, and. . .I just can't deal with that.

8. Chat first.

This step should happen only if you have messaged back and forth for a while and if you haven't felt ANY red flags. None. Zero. No. . .not that one that you are wondering about.

With Billy, what impressed me when we started email messaging was that he was actually interested in what I had to say, he would reply to my response within a few hours, and he didn't act insecure or play mind games. Because he was a decent human being, I agreed to chat with him (Christianmingle has a chat feature) and we chatted for a few days. I would chat and he would reply immediately after I did. Look for things like that. If you chat with him and he walks away from the computer for twenty minutes and then comes back and goes, "Oh. Sorry. You're still here?" he's an insecure freak. Red flag. Abort. If it was some kind of an emergency and he explains it, don't abort. . .unless it becomes a pattern of ignoring you and then making up excuses. That kind of guy is a little boy who would like you to do the job that his mommy should have done: Raise him. No thanks.

9. How to start a phone conversation.

When you begin talking to a potential mate, you need to keep in mind that they are exactly that: a potential mate. This isn't just someone you bumped into at a drug store, or a coworker. This is a potential life-long best friend. This means, don't waste your time if that person gives you any prior red flags. This conversation should also ONLY be done over the phone--never in person. If it helps, pretend that you are on an obstacle course, and you have to go through each obstacle to get to the goal. If any of the obstacles are red flags, the sooner you back out, the more time you will have to start over.

This is how you should approach this first phone conversation:

A. Talk about your core beliefs. You should have done this already in messages and chats, but if you were too scared then, you need to man up and do it now. If you are an atheist, have the courage to say so. If you are a Christian, you need to explain exactly what that means to you. If you are Buddhist, say it. Even if you have messaged and chatted about it, talk about it again now that you can actually hear his voice on the other line. If you don't match up--red flag. Abort.

B. Now that you have started with the most important thing, relax a little and talk about the things you do for fun. Take your time for this conversation. You do want to be friendly, and it's worth getting to know a person's interests even if the relationship goes nowhere. Note: If anything he does for fun is weird, creepy, or opposite your interests--red flag. Abort.

C. Deal breakers. Now is the part where you need to talk about your deal breakers and encourage them to do so too. If you start the conversation in this vein, the other person will follow suit. The next favorite topic that a human being has besides his/her interests is his/her dislikes. These can be really informative and also really funny. Now is the time to say if you can't handle people who talk about politics, pick their noses, or who enjoy mosh pits. Use this time to see if you two have any dislikes about the interests of the other person. If you are serious about your deal breakers, and the guy on the phone has one--red flag. Abort.

D. Talk about your family history. I mean this specifically about your and his parents' relationships. Are they still married? Are they divorced? When did they divorce? How did it affect you? If they are still married, are they happy? If they aren't, who has your healthy role model for a happy marriage been? Things like that. If they have too much baggage for you, or vice versa--red flag. Abort. You really aren't being selfish. You aren't meant to fix anyone besides yourself, so don't string another person along if you can't handle his stuff.

E. Talk honestly about your past mistakes. It is going to be awkward, but only if you make it awkward. If you don't make it awkward, but instead have the courage to own up to your mistakes, your relationship can actually have the opportunity to progress quite quickly. When Billy and I started talking, I was really surprised because there were ZERO red flags, when usually there are at least one or two little ones that, in the past, I had just overlooked and then wondered why my relationships would end. Actually, it kind of creeped me out that there were no red flags. He was so normal, I started to wonder if he was TOO normal. I thought, surely there is something wrong with him. I mean, he's human and in his thirties. He has to have some deep, dark secret. That was when I said, "Okay, I'm going to get really serious right now. I'm going to tell you everything I've done in my past that could potentially be a problem for you, and I would like it if you would do the same." He actually agreed! It sounds surprising, but it shouldn't be. Trust me, if the guy is worth it, he will be happy that you are getting everything out on the table, and he will feel encouraged to do the same. Fortunately, everything he'd done was things I could live with, and vice versa. However, if at any time a person's past doesn't sit well with you--red flag. Abort.

10. Meeting up

Do NOT meet up with a person if you have not had the above conversation and if there are still any red flags. Even when you meet up, do not give any personal information like credit cards, drivers licenses, and keep your phone and purse on you at all times. Don't hand your phone or wallet to him even if to show any pictures. You can do that later if and when things progress and you feel safer.

If you make it to this point, that's it. If you need more dating advice, get a book on dating/marriage or see a counselor. From now on, conversations should be A LOT easier and way more enjoyable because you don't have anything else hanging over your head. Here's where it's hard: When you are so desperate for attention that you give in to any red flags. Maybe you have had to wait and you are sick and tired of being alone. Trust me, the single life is hard only if you see life as a competition with your friends, family, and society's dictates. If you see it as awesome, it will be  awesome. Make a list of things right now that you can do that married people can't.

Remember that there are still decent human beings out there. You are one, right? If you are one, then there must be more. . .and guess what! Some of them get online! Also remember: All you need is one.

I met my husband when I was 30 after not having been in a relationship for 8 years, and I got married when I was 32. I can tell you from experience that the only thing better than being single is sharing your life with another person who truly loves you and lets you love him.

Anything else sucks. Big time.

The End!

How to Go to the Doctor's Office 101: 2013 Edition

I hope this makes you laugh, but I also hopes it helps you in case you didn't know one of them. (I've "been there" on at least half of them!):



1. You are going to have to wait. This isn't an oil change; it's your body. If your problem isn't worth waiting two little hours of your life to figure out, don't make the appointment.

2. I know you are the doctor's best friend, and you go boating every third Saturday. You are still going to have to wait.

3. I know you met the doctor at the grocery store, and he said his office would get you in tomorrow. He doesn't know his schedule; the schedulers do. Sorry to say it, but he probably said that to get you off his back. Doctors get hounded, you realize. You can have his next available. It might be tomorrow; it might be in two months.

4. The appointment you've been given is the first available. I know it might be a month out, but no one is withholding some precious earlier appointment from you. If you get mad and cancel that appointment, expect a later one when you call back, and remember that you did this to yourself. No one punishes "Medicaid" patients; likewise, no one caters to "BSBS State with two supplements" patients.

5. Don't be offended if the front desk or phone staff ask your date of birth and last four of your SSN before your name. This is to save you time. With the growing number of patients, there is more than likely two of you out there. Trust me, this comes from a "Jessica Stephens" who is now a "Jessica Jones." (Also, "01/01/78" is easier to "spell" than "Amy," "Amie," "Aimie," "Aemy,". . . you get it.)

6. Come 10-15 minutes early. You will probably have paperwork to fill out and the front desk needs to scan your insurance card(s) and driver's license. Even if you have filled out the paperwork online and bring it with you, the front desk still needs time to scan it in and record it properly.

7. You will have paperwork to fill out. Doctors especially need paperwork if you are a new patient, have a new problem, or haven't been to see him/her in over a year. Even if you have been seen there for years, if any of the aforementioned criteria fits you, you will have to fill out paperwork. Some offices make you fill out paperwork for every visit. Don't be annoyed at this. Too many people move addresses or change their phone numbers without telling anyone, sabotaging the only ways by which they can be reached for an appointment.

8. If you hate waiting, get your butt out of bed for the 8:30 appointment or ask for the first appointment after lunch (usually 1:30 or 2:00). These are the two times of the day that the doctor is most likely caught up.

9. A doctor's appointment is not a hair appointment. You can't just schedule it at your convenience. You will probably have to ask time off work or get out of class. A lot of doctors are not in their offices every day because they work at other practices or hospitals during the week. They aren't just out playing golf; neither are they willing to stay after hours to see random patients.

10. For college students only: You will have to get out of class. Maybe don't play hooky so much so you can use your skips for something important. This is real life.

11. For parents of school-age children only: You will have to get your student out of class to go to the doctor. Maybe don't let them play hooky so much. Teach them about real life.

12. Look at your calendar before you call for an appointment.

13. Make sure you have a pen and paper handy before you call for an appointment.

14. Don't assume that the last person you talked to on the phone at "this number" is the same one you are talking to now. If someone left you a message, write down or remember his/her name. Even then, you will need to give a little information so you can be directed to the right place.

15. The front desk, phone staff, nor anyone on the administrative side of the building has formal medical training nor can he/she give medical advice. However, treating him/her like an idiot isn't going to get you very far.

16. If you are not sure if a practice is covered by your insurance or if you need a referral, call the number on the back of your insurance card rather than the doctor's office. The doctor's office may know, but the insurance company will know. . .better.

17. Specialists are not Emergency Rooms and do not accept walk-ins. If you have an emergency,  you need to go to the ER. I know it's annoying, but the ER will see you in several hours while the specialists may not be able to see you for several weeks--unless you have a referral from the ER with a severe enough problem that the specialists can work you in. Even family doctors cannot guarantee an appointment the same day--although, their offices are more likely to work you in if you call first thing in the morning.

18. Even if your insurance doesn't need a referral to a specialist, if you have had any XRAYS, MRIs, Catscans, injections, or have seen another doctor about this problem you are having, you can't make an appointment with a specialist until those records have been sent to the specialist. This is actually a two-fold reason in your favor: (1) it saves you time and money from the specialist doing the same procedure that didn't originally work, and (2) your health insurance is more likely to cover the specialist since everyone involved is "in the know." (Read: Your health insurance likes to avoid paying. Don't give them further incentive to withhold by your being sneaky and trying to skirt the referral.)

19. Getting a referral is actually the patient's responsibility. I know it seems like all doctors are friends and talk about you all day to each other, but Doctor A doesn't know you want to see Doctor B until you physically tell them both. In some cases, Doctor A's staff will do your referral themselves, but only if it's Doctor A's wish and only if they are exceptionally nice and not busy. If Doctor B hasn't called you in the next couple of days, however, you need to follow up with both offices, because chances are, the fax didn't go through. Furthermore, there is no way Doctor B even knows who you are until this fax goes through. Futher-furthermore, Doctor B may not even know that Doctor A exists!

20. I know faxes are olden-timey and frustrating like an abacus or slide-rule, but a lot of offices still use them. Sorry. At least a lot of offices are paperless now. One step at a time.

21. If you call Thursday afternoon as an ER work-in, you are probably not going to be seen until the next week. I know the ER doctor said you need to be seen in 1-2 days, but realize a few things: A lot of doctor's offices--especially private practices--close by 1:00 p.m. on Friday. Most of the work-in slots for Friday will be full because of all the ER work-ins earlier that week. No doctor's office that I know is open on the weekend, so there goes Saturday and Sunday. Monday is going to be full of severe ER work-ins from Friday and the weekend. If your arm is broken, it's serious, but if someone else's leg has been severed. . .that's a little more serious. If you get a Tuesday appointment, you'll be fine.

22. I know the pain is "excruciating," but realize two things: (1) An earlier doctor visit isn't going to "magic" away the pain. (2) Take the pain meds the family doctor gave you. I'm surprised how many people complain of pain, but haven't taken their meds.

23. Don't be scared of Lortab or Oxycodone. I know they are bad words because of pain med abusers lately, but if your doctor prescribes them, take them--especially if you have had a surgery. Under normal circumstances, you should NEVER take those drugs, but after surgery or a fractured limb, your body is actually going to use those drugs to help you sleep so you can heal. The real key to healing is sleep. Don't try driving or shopping or housework. Just go to bed. This doesn't mean you will get hooked on these drugs. You don't have to take all of them. Wean yourself off them as soon as you can. If you don't know how, ask your nurse. Also, a work release isn't a free vacation. Sleep!!!

24. Just because your pain meds made you vomit, doesn't mean you should call your doctor. I know he said to call him if vomiting occurs, and I could strangle him for saying that. . .Let me interpret: The doctor means if you are vomiting for days and days. Several hours or even a day of vomiting is normal. Again, go to bed. I wish doctors would just tell you to go to bed instead of "take this pill every 6 hours." It's very misleading and makes you think you can do whatever you want as long as you take your pills.

25. If you call at 4:59 p.m. before a weekend or holiday to get a refill on your meds,. . .Don't do that. It's stupid and annoying and you're an adult now. Your medicine has a date on it. Call at least a few days before that date. I realize sometimes life gets in the way of remembering things, but this is your health (how ironic)! Another thing you can try is to call your pharmacy and see if they will cut you a few days' pills till you can reach your doctor.

26. If you are addicted to Lortab, stop it. You're ruining everyone's life.

27. If you have had a skin graft, don't be alarmed at the gross deathly looking white shreds of skin hanging under the dressing. Doctors NEVER tell you this--and it is very traumatizing when it happens--but it's normal.

28. A lot of people vomit after anesthesia. Again, I don't know why doctors don't tell you this, but if you've been put under, expect to vomit--even if you take ani-vomit meds. Believe me, it's better out than in!

29. Sometimes you have to ask when your appointment is over. I guess doctors think they don't have to repeat themselves 25 times a day by saying, "We're done here. Please go out this door, turn left, and check out at the first window." Instead, they often say something confusing like, "Hang in there!" or "Well, we're ok!" and leave the room and you have no idea if you are supposed to hang around or not. Just ask someone. A little hint: If he's given you a paper, you're probably done.

30. Yelling never gets you anywhere. Okay, so honestly. . .maybe it gets you in faster sometimes, but is it worth your self-respect?


Okay, that's all I can think of for now.